Carrying Inner Disquiet - Part 2

Exploration and Inspiration

Welcome to this exploration of The Creativity Quest, a journey through the ten stages of creativity inspired by the experiences of artists and creators. This model, developed through my insights as an editor, creativity coach, and writer, breaks down the creative process into milestones, reflecting both the universal and unique aspects of creativity. Each stage, from inner struggles to manifesting mastery, offers a deep dive into the facets of our creative development.

To explore all the related topics, please visit the Directory to discover how these stages resonate with your journey. Join me as I unravel the complexities and joys of creativity, one milestone at a time.

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Carrying Inner Disquiet, Part 2

Exploration and Inspiration

In a previous essay in this series, I defined Carrying Inner Disquiet as the stage in our creative journey when there’s a detrimental misalignment between a longing to create and the actions being taken. For authors, it is the friction between the intense desire to write and, yet, not writing regardless of reason.

It’s tempting to characterize Carrying Inner Disquiet as simply writer’s block. While it’s true that writer’s block happens in this stage, it is only one facet of it, much like a central star is only one component in a solar system. That star dominates the system with its light and gravity, just as writer’s block dominates our perception of creative barriers. But around it orbit planets, moons, and asteroids, representing the diverse internal and external factors that contribute to creative unease, such as perfectionism, lack of confidence or skills, imposter syndrome, and, yes, even life responsibilities. These factors can keep us from fully engaging with our creative work—or engaging at all.

At its worst, Carrying Inner Disquiet is a true existential crisis! While that is a somewhat tongue-in-cheek declaration, the discomfort, conflict, and raw emotions associated with Carrying Inner Disquiet are no laughing matter. In addition to affecting our ability to write, they can impact every aspect of our lives. My husband brought this unfortunate truth to my attention some ten years or so ago.

During a several-week period when I was still in the corporate world, I had been working long hours on a project with too many moving parts and an unreasonable deadline. It had left me especially cranky and overtired, too exhausted for anything else, even the things I most loved doing. You can probably relate to a time of Eat-Sleep-Work, Repeat.

Around day eight or nine of being glum and withdrawn, I approached the coffeepot in our kitchen. I could feel Mark’s eyes following me. Finally, he leaned on the counter and calmly, rationally, declared, “You aren’t writing”—loooong pause—“Are you?” Frankly, it was more statement than question, but we both knew the answer.

Nevertheless, it stunned me. I was shocked, first, that he had equated my writing practice (or more accurately, lack thereof) with my recent demeanor—that he had so clearly perceived that. And, second, that I had not!

It was my first blatant recognition of how intensely and wide-sweeping that not-writing can affect the writer.

For context, you should know that I loved my job. Even though I was a tad burned out, I knew deep down that the work, the J.O.B., was not the true cause of my distasteful disposition or the . . . unnamable inner disquiet I was carrying around.

I tried to call it how it felt: an emptiness devoid of hope and aspiration, an unsureness of myself and my thinking, a disconnection from myself. It is through my writing practice that I cultivate hope and aspiration, nurture a connection to myself, develop self-trust and confidence in my thoughts. So when I forsake my writing, I also deny myself these.

Granted, on the surface, there were valid excuses for my abandonment of my writing practice: too tired, too much work, not enough energy. But my need and my desire to write could not be put on pause or extinguished. That acute longing was persistent and was completely at odds with my actions of not writing, despite all reasons why.

I guess we could say my husband, through his insight, inspired the name I’ve given to this stage of the creative journey. He knew this was much more than just a foul mood; I was disoriented and intensely uncomfortable in my being. He couldn’t have named it as such, but he recognized that by not-writing even though I desperately wanted and needed to be, I was carrying inner disquiet.

His observations in our kitchen that morning were the initial spark to my curiosity about the writer’s journey. In truth, I could credit him as the catalyst for the development, not just of this single stage, but of the entire Creativity Quest model! Oh, but let’s set that aside for the book’s dedication, shall we?

In a recent interview with

Kathryn Vercillo

, Jane Clark captured the essence of what I realized that morning and what many creatives intuitively know:

“I believe art is a form of soul expression and being deprived (or depriving oneself) of creative expression is not benign. I believe it can lead to very poor mental health, loss of self-esteem, self-direction.”

Clark’s insight underscores the truth that the act of creating is not merely a hobby or a profession, but a fundamental need for expressing our innermost selves. The deprivation of this outlet can lead, not only to “moodiness,” but to a cascade of negative effects on ourselves and those around us.

In sharing my story, I hope to dispel the misbelief that this stage of the journey, Carrying Inner Disquiet, happens only to beginning writers, that it’s the stage before writing begins. While this is true, it’s also true that it can happen to people like me who have been writing for decades. It might be harder for beginners to move beyond this stage than it is for more experienced writers, but no one is immune. In fact, it can happen to high-profile writers who have published hundreds of thousands of words, to painters who have filled galleries, to performers who have filled stadiums.

Even the most seasoned and successful creators can experience inner disquiet at any moment, often with no warning. There is no better example of this than Federico Fellini’s 1963 film 8-1/2. This movie is a powerful metaphor for the creative struggle and the journey to overcome it. The film’s protagonist, a director experiencing a creative block, mirrors the existential crisis Fellini himself was struggling with at the time. Through a bizarre labyrinth of dreams, memories, and fantasies, Fellini explores themes of artistic crisis, fear of failure, and the search for meaning.

While reflecting Fellini’s own battle with creative disquiet, the movie embodies the universal struggle of creators. It highlights the spiraling nature of creativity, where periods of profound doubt and stagnation are followed by moments of breakthrough and enlightenment. Fellini’s ability to transform his personal disquiet into a revered masterpiece is a testament to the potential that lies within the depths of creative struggle.

If you find you’re stuck in this stage, accepting that Carrying Inner Disquiet is a common—albeit challenging—part of the creative process is key to navigating beyond it. Recognize and accept your feeling without judgment. Understanding that this is a natural part of the creative process can alleviate some of the pressure and stigma you may associate with it.

Long-term stuckness is not where you want to stay though! So here are a few tactics to support you in moving beyond this stage. Don’t attempt these all at once. Pick one, see how that works for you, and then, if necessary, try another.

1. Seek Inspiration: Just as Fellini turned his creative block into a narrative exploration in 8-1/2, look for ways to channel your feelings into your work. Inspiration can come from various sources: art, nature, music, literature, and even the exploration of your own experiences and emotions. Be sure to check out the “Resources and Further Reading” section below for some ideas.

2. Connect with Others: Sharing your experiences with a supportive community, whether through workshops, online forums, or casual gatherings to connect with fellow creatives, can provide comfort and insights, and is a reminder that you’re not alone in this journey.

3. Set Small, Achievable Benchmarks: Break down your creative process into “bite-size,” manageable tasks. This can help create a sense of progress and momentum, making the journey out of disquiet more tangible.

4. Experiment with Different Mediums: Sometimes, a change of creative outlet can provide a fresh perspective. If you’re a writer, try painting or photography; if you’re a musician, play with writing for a while. These explorations can reignite your creative spark.

While Carrying Inner Disquiet is undeniably uncomfortable and intense, it is best approached as a temporary condition. More importantly, this stage can be turned on its head as a catalyst for growth, self-discovery, and ultimately, creative breakthroughs. Embrace this stage as an integral part of your journey, knowing that on the other side lies a deeper connection to your creative self and, ultimately, greater mastery in your creative work.

To learn more about this milestone, check out the first article in this series, as well as episode 19 of the Around the Writer’s Table podcast.

Next time we’ll explore the stage of “Releasing Restraints,” which entails releasing all that is holding you back so you can begin—or recommit to—creating.

Resources and Further Reading

Since the causes of Inner Disquiet are varied and sometimes sneaky, having an arsenal of tools and inspiration is vital. Here are some to get you started.

Movies

I’m a big movie fan and love movies about writers. The four listed below illustrate some of the challenges and victories that can come from Carrying Inner Disquiet.

• Adaptation (2002). After mentioning 8-1/2, I’d be remiss not to name Adaptation as well, another film in which its creator takes his real-life challenges with creativity, adds some fiction, and turns them into a fresh creative work.

• People Places Things (2015): Following the life of a graphic novelist and teacher navigating single parenthood and a stalled creative career, this film portrays the struggle of finding inspiration and purpose amidst personal upheaval.

• Wonder Boys (2000): A creative writing professor grapples with chaos in his personal life while also struggling with writer's block and the pressures of following up on his successful first book.

• Barton Fink (1991): Set against the backdrop of 1940s Hollywood, this film follows an intellectually ambitious playwright who, after achieving success on Broadway, faces an overwhelming case of writer's block while attempting to write a screenplay, plunging him into a surreal nightmare of isolation and creative despair.

Books

• If You Want to Write: A Book about Art, Independence, and Spirit, by Brenda Ueland. Published in 1938, this is an enduring and incomparable guide to writing. To me, reading it feels like receiving a long-overdue permission slip to be myself.

• Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. Although not only about creativity, this book discusses the concept of “flow,” a state of heightened focus and immersion in activities, which is crucial for creative work.

• The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron. Her Morning Pages, described in “The Basic Tools” section of the book, never fail to bring me out of a creative slump. As she talks about in “Week 10: Recovering a Sense of Self-Protection,” times of creative drought are when morning pages are both the most difficult and THE most valuable to do.

• The Heart to Start: Stop Procrastinating and Start Creating, by

  David Kadavy
  . On first seeing this subtitle, I felt it implied that procrastination is the big impediment to creating and that a butt-kick would ensue, but that is not the case at all. With a balance of realism, practicality, and compassion, Kadavy shares real-world stories of creative struggles, including his own, and provides actionable advice for starting.

Podcasts

• The Tim Ferriss Show, Episode #430 with

  Elizabeth Gilbert
  . Gilbert discusses the creative process and how to navigate the challenges that come with it, particularly at timestamp 1:39:02 when she talks about using The Artist’s Way to recover your creativity from its trauma.

• Creative Pep Talk.

  Andy J. Pizza
  hosts this podcast offering motivational talks and interviews with creative professionals to help artists, writers, and creative entrepreneurs find their footing.

Online Resources

• The aforementioned

  Andy J. Pizza
  also provides his audiovisual newsletter, a virtual creative pep rally that reminds us we are not alone.

• “Embrace the Shake.” In this TEDTalk, artist Phil Hansen describes his devastation when he developed a hand tremor that kept him from creating the drawings he loved. He felt he was floating with no sense of purpose. Then a neurologist made a simple suggestion: embrace the limitation. Subsequently, he discovered how we need limits in order to become limitless.

• How Your Brain Sabotages Your Writing Process (and What To Do About It). In this video (starting at 1:30), writing coach Lauren Sapala talks about what’s actually happening in our bodies when we’re struggling to be creative.

• “5 Strategies to Realize Your Creative Potential.” This Psychology Today article provides ways to fend off creative anxiety.

• Back to Federico Fellini’s film 8-1/2 again, this short video highlights the plot and meaning of it. Cleverly, this video is 8.5 minutes long.

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Thank you for joining me on this part of The Creativity Quest. As I explore the various stages of the creative journey, your individual perspectives and experiences add incredible depth to this adventure. I’d love to hear your thoughts and personal stories related to today’s topic. Your feedback is not just enlightening; it helps build a community where we can all learn and grow together. Feel free to leave your comments below, or reach out to me directly. Your involvement is deeply valued, and I’m excited to continue this journey with you.

~~Gina