When Joan Didion Talks to Me

Cursed Consistency, Fears, and the Truth Underneath

Hurricane Idalia and the U.S. Labor Day holiday knocked me off kilter and now we’re suddenly mid-month! Even with those events over, I was reminded this past week of how challenging it is to return to my routines when they’re disrupted. Case in point, I had every intention of posting in Gina’s Quill about my upcoming fiction. Hasn’t happened. Yet.

I used to consider myself adaptable in the way that some of my friends are, the ones who thrive on non-routine, on change, even chaos. Perhaps it’s a function of age that I’m less able to pivot, to refocus, to catch up, when something out of the ordinary occurs.

Currently, I’m sandwiched in a time between the past disrupting events and a very busy, fast-approaching fall/winter. My brain is screaming: how are you going to get everything done?

People who support and train writers, erhh, nearly any writing ‘teacher’ who ever lived, advocate consistency. Write daily; send your newsletter consistently; schedule your social posts; share your work and publish regularly. If you want to … [fill in the blank: gain a following, finish a book, have readers, build a subscription, be a “successful” writer]… you must be consistent. Coincidentally, as I wrote this,

On Substack

had just published another article on posting consistently.

Conversely, many—mostly other writers—espouse, “You do YOU,” i.e., write what you want, when you want, where you want, the way you want, eschewing the ‘consistency’ mantra. Does this mean we have the option of being consistent or not? Who do we believe?

The banter is confusing, and for me, confusion yields inaction. Ironically, my fears about consistency have made me inconsistent.

In case it isn’t obvious, consistency is the BIG THING that concerns me most about my writing. Consequently, this is why I resist making writing-related commitments, particularly on Substack where successful writers post regularly and often. With the ability right now in my life to do only a few things consistently, I’m bound to let someone down.

Oof. THERE IT IS. Damn, Joan Didion. When I think I’m on a topic roll, you always butt in! Okay, Joan. I hear you (again).

Sorry for that interruption. My subconscious summons Joan Didion from time to time with a reminder. It’s a quote I love so much I had emblazoned on the covers of the attendee notebooks for the Story Camp writing retreats. Every time my writing begins to uncover hidden truths, Joan taps at my shoulder and puts her words in my ear.  

“I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.”

What led to the interruption? “I’m bound to let someone down.” When I typed that phrase, Joan’s words came and then two letters instantly appeared in my mind’s eye: M E. What? I’m bound to let ME down?

Thanks, Joan… I think? Dammit, this piece was supposed to be about consistency.

For both our sakes, let me try to unravel this. Each time she interjects, I must ask: What is trying to be revealed? Why has she come now?

Sure, I fear consistency. But apparently, disappointing someone is my greater fear. According to Joan’s nudge, though, the “someones” are not teachers, mentors, family, friends, other writers, not even readers. If I write and share and publish, I’m bound to let me down.

How does this make any sense, especially since these are ALL I WANT TO DO?

Well, what if…

…my writing isn’t good enough?

…no one reads what I write?

…I don’t live up to my expectations as a writer?

What if…

…I commit to write, share, publish, but then I am not consistent enough? Ohmuhgah! Round and round, we go.

Ah, the demons in my head . . . and also, my brain trying to protect me. If I don’t write, share, publish, then I cannot be judged—by others or myself.

But writing is my dream! Being a full-time writer is my ultimate vision. And I’m hellbent to make it happen. So if I do not write, those dreams remain unfulfilled forever.

Do you see how I’ve set myself up for certain doom in this dichotomy of (a) If I write, I’ll let myself down AND (b) If I don’t write, I’ll let myself down?

There’s no win in the contradiction. Or is there?

Clues to the truth that’s attempting to come to light can often be found right in the words I use. The full version of that earlier sentence: “With the ability right now in my life to do only a few things consistently, I’m bound to let someone down.” Hmm. Apparently, I have some ability to be consistent, but with only one, maybe two things at a time. Writing could be one of them.

I also used the word “bound” . . . as in inevitable. The sense of inevitability in this letdown is rooted in a long history of breaking promises to myself in all aspects of my life. It’s a pattern I’ve struggled to break and the reason external accountability with friends like

☕ KimBoo York

is my creative lifeline. She and a few other writers I’m privileged to have in my life (you know who you are) remind me that I don’t always need to have the answers or know how things will go.

And for this contradiction in my writing life, I don’t. As frustrating as it is, I simply do not have an answer or resolution, other than to keep showing up at the page, despite—and because of the truth of—Joan Didion’s testimony about why we write.

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Do you have issues with consistency too, with writing and/or in other parts of your life? What have your challenges been? How have you managed them (or not)? What about self-accountability? Does that work for you?

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